In 1972, the Academy Award for Best Picture went to The Godfather, but I think the fine people at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences may have overlooked another movie more worthy of the honor - a lower-budget, independent film shot entirely on location in exotic Iowa. I am, of course, referring to A Thief in the Night. In seventh grade, I didn't know any better. They just put the movie on at youth group one night; I trusted them. And I was traumatized. As the images flashed on the screen, my childhood innocence died and I knew I would never be the same.
I watched as the world plummeted into chaos as millions of people vanished off the face of the earth. I watched as the Anti-Christ rose to power and slaughtered anyone (by guillotine of course) who refused to take the Mark of the Beast. Giant locusts paralyzed anyone in their path, darkness blanketed the sky, and worldwide nuclear war broke out. And the message of the movie? God loves you!
While I can't find much support for premillenialism and a Star Trek style rapture in Scripture, I have to admit that it makes the best movie. Postmillenialism is far too optomistic, and amillenialism has no car chases or government conspiracy theories. When it comes to action and adventure, premillenial dispensationalism is the way to go. Just ask Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. So here are the top ten things I learned from A Thief in the Night:
10) The rapture will come while you're doing something that is sure to be noticed after you vanish. You might be mowing the lawn, baking a cake, or shaving, but something's going to get left on when you disappear. I'm pretty sure if I left for work tomorrow with my beard trimmer running in the bathroom sink, Melinda would call her grandmother just to make sure she wasn't left behind.
9) Even though a government issued tattoo on one's forehead is obviously the Mark of the Beast, no one, except the few come-lately Christians, will figure it out.
8) Jesus loves little children; they all get raptured. However, it would seem that Jesus doesn't believe life begins at conception. If your head hasn't crowned by the moment the time trumpet sounds - sorry, baby - you're left behind.
7) The one-world government will be principled, but stern. While they would never violate an individual's free will by forcing them to get the Mark, they will imprison you and chop your head off if you don't. Tough, but fair.
6) Elaborate end-times charts are a necessity. Without one, you won't know which lampstand or bowl just tried to kill you.
5) If you've ever bought something with a bar code on it, you've helped the Anti-Christ in his rise to power.
4) The rapture will be clothes-optional. In A Thief in the Night, the clothes vanish with the people; I guess the producers of the film wanted to make sure we knew God wasn't into the nude scene. But that's not always the case. In other movies and books, the clothes are left. Apparently, this is an issue of deep theological controversy. I'd like to think that the clothes go with you. Either way, it's another reason to always be sure to wear clean underwear.
3) The United Nations will immediately seize control of the world. Anything that brings together people from diverse backgrounds in order to try and resolve international problems and work for the common good of humanity is the brainchild of the Prince of Darkness. I get that Satan is biding his time right now. He hates the humanitarian aid programs and peace treaties, but he's got to endure it so that he can get his # 1 guy in there when the time is right.
2) Even if you believe the gospel, have a relationship with Jesus and are trusting in Him for your salvation, it all means nothing if you don't say the magic words. You've got to say the Sinner's Prayer. Jesus is hard-core this way; He really wants that deal done the right way, and almost doesn't count.
And the number 1 thing I learned from A Thief in the Night is...
1) Never trust the guy with mutton-chop sideburns. That's just common sense.
And if you have no idea what I'm talking about because you were not subjected to the emotional horror of the movie when you were a kid, I now present A Thief in the Night in 4 Minutes and 5 seconds. Enjoy.
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